It’s a given that having children means purchasing a lot of extra items; but there is a definitive line between necessary baby gear and silly unnecessary junk.

If you’re super eccentric, and you love to spend money arbitrarily, you may love some of these wacky items, but if not, leave these awkward baby contraptions on the shelf.

1. Baby Bangs AKA “Baby Lace Front”

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Ashamed of your baby’s lack of hair growth? Then “Baby Bangs” may be for you. This ridiculous product consists of a pretty little headband with a mini wig attached. The perfect gift for your narcissistic newborn.

2. Morning Chicness Bags AKA “I-Have-More-Money-Than-I-Know What-to-do-With Bags”

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Pregnant and dealing with some serious bouts of morning sickness? Well throw up in style using one of these designer barf bags. This, to me, is along the lines of toilet roll covers. No one cares what these particular items look like – just as long as you’re out of sight when they’re in use.

3. Baby Perfume AKA “Wha-?”

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I will personally punch any woman that I see spraying their baby with any “made for baby” fragrance. Hello Kitty apparently thought that it was necessary to obliterate the intoxicatingly awesome smell of baby with fruit and food-flavored scents.

4. Bathroom Baby Harness AKA “The Baby Germ Catcher”

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This particular item is used when you’re on the go with baby, nature calls, and you can’t find a spot to put your kid. I find this item questionable on a couple of levels. First off, call me a germaphobe, but wouldn’t the back of the bathroom door be one of the dirtiest places to put your kid? I mean, that’s generally what people touch after doing their business and leaving the stall right?

Secondly, how often would this even be necessary? In most instances your infant would be in a carrier or stroller if you’re out and about. Given that this contraption starts at around $40, that would make for a pretty expensive bathroom break.

5. Walking Wings AKA “Baby Marionette”

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This pointless contraption is for parents who are either too lazy to bend or who have abnormally short arms. Understanding that there are people out there with bad backs who may not be able to bend to assist their kid – don’t bother wasting your money with this. That wobbly “just about to walk” phase only lasts for a few weeks at the most. Hold out, and save your money.

6. Character Inflatable Potty Seat AKA “Scary Blue Poop Eating Monster”

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Want to traumatize your child? Tell them to sit on the face of this creepy blue monster and take a dump. Not to mention, did anyone think about the fact that you’d, in most instances, be using your mouth to inflate and deflate this item with each use?
Ew.

7. Pee-pee Teepees AKA “Tiny Pieces of Felt that Someone Learned How to Monetize”

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Not sure why your baby boy’s johnson would be exposed long enough on the changing table for this to be necessary, or why, if a urine deflector is needed, you wouldn’t just use one of your handy baby wipes instead of spending $12 on “tee pees”.
The name of the product is stinkin’ adorable, but no mom needs extra junk to wash.

8. Thudguard Baby Safety Helmet AKA “I’m a Helicopter Parent”

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Unless your baby has some sort of impediment like narcolepsy or a prominent soft spot, I wouldn’t worry too much about having them wear a helmet. It’s one thing to be cautious, but I think this is a bit much. Part of the process of a baby learning to walk is taking a little tumble from time to time. Covering the sharp edges of your furniture would probably be a little more effective.

9. Zaky Infant Pillow AKA “I’m Too Lazy to Comfort My Kid”

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Who thinks of these things? For the parent who’s too busy to soothe their crying infant, or who simply wants to traumatize them with disembodied Muppet hands, there’s the Zaky pillow. Weighted in order to “imitate the feel of a parent’s hand and forearm” these would be better suited for a Halloween party than in your baby’s crib.

[DISCLAIMER: To the parents who’ve purchased any of these items – please don’t take offense. I’m simply making fun. If I was independently wealthy I’m sure I’d own all of these unique parenting items too.]

 

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