Tales of a Pregnant Woman’s Husband: Elephantiasis
It has been a very hot spring here. Apparently that, coupled with being pregnant and having 40 extra pounds on her feet, has made my wife develop a condition the doctor refers to as pitting edema. I call it elephantiasis.
I look at her beautiful face, her skinny arms, her gorgeous, round tummy. And then I see her legs. They are the same width all the way down to her feet. And those poor feet no longer fit into any of her shoes – she has begun wearing mine.
I want to laugh when I see these swollen tree trunks every day she returns from work, but know that not only is that not very kind, but it’s also not very smart. She could squish me with those things. I offer to massage them, but honestly, I usually don’t know where to start.
So I’ve succumbed to the most unmanly practice in the world. I’m sure if Chuck Norris saw me doing it, he would cringe for the sake of all manly-hood.
I paint those poor, swollen toe-nails.
Me.
Painting toenails.
See, my wife is kind of a nail connoisseur. She actually just bought herself a salon-style foot bath and recliner/massage chair. Her idea of painting toenails is not the 5 minute-slap on job I always saw my mom do at home before church. No. She does glitzy nails and shellac nails and glitzy shellac nails…processes that take hours sometimes, with base coats, middle coats, glitter, top coats, alcohol washes, UV lighting, and more. I still don’t have the 20-step process down – it’s more complicated than working on a carburetor!
So, in my effort to make her feel better – when she comes home as swollen as a jellyfish, crying because her feet hurt and because she knows her legs look like an elephants, I take on the task – elevating her feet, and painting them, one toe at a time. She thanks me. She tells me its her one way of feeling a bit prettier down there. I’m not sure if I agree, per say. Those poor toes only draw more attention with glittering paint on them, but I’m happy to help. If I could take the swelling away, I would in a heartbeat, but as I can’t, at least I can paint.
So who cares, Chuck Norris. Yes, I am now a frequently attended (and might I add, budding professional) nail artist. And maybe that’s not allowed in the ‘manly’ handbook. But my wife is happy. And that’s all that matters.
Devon is a freelance writer with his wife. His work is sponsored by multiple websites. A new sponsor of Devon’s articles is Nail Pearls. Nail pearls allows nail technicians to create extra cute nail art on nails. When properly applied the nails look like royalty.
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