I don’t know what is going on these days with women and ‘going natural’. My wife wanted to do it with our first, and to be honest, I was extremely supportive. We even looked into home deliveries and pool births – don’t worry, I’m really NOT a hippie, we were just exploring the various options.
Anyway, after deciding the hospital was where we would deliver, my wife signed us up for a $50 ‘beginner’s birthing course’. She learned how to breathe correctly (apparently this is something one must learn) and I learned how to tell her ‘good job!’.
All for $50.
Why do I feel like I got jipped?
So the day of delivery comes, and, since my wife had to be induced, they plug her into the pitocin. As the innocent medication enters my sweet wife’s body she suddenly transforms into something EVIL. She’s immediately screaming at me to push on her back, her knees, higher, lower, harder, faster.
Remembering my birthing class training, I try to tell her good job, and ask her nicely where she wants me to push harder, her
knees or her back. She screams:
“SHUT-UP!!!!! STOP ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS!!!!”
“CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY!!!!”
I honestly don’t know where to push harder, which area she wants me to go higher on, and which area she wants me to move lower. I guess. Incorrectly.
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!!!?? I TOLD YOU TO PUSH HIGHER! I TOLD YOU TO PUSH LOWER! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO WHAT I SAY!!!!!????”
At this point, I’m back in high school wrestling days, grappling an angry competitor in first a suplex position and then a banana split, then onto a full nelson. The nurse walks in as I’m about to do a pile driver. Raising her eyebrows, my glory days disappear, and I sheepishly loosen my grip…
The nurse mentions maybe we could use an epidural.
As my wife begins to reject this offer, I immediately embrace the nurse, and ask her to hurry. It’s been a ten hour round, and I’m ready for a tag team.
They plug in the medication, and my wife immediately FALLS ASLEEP.
I stand there, curiously taking in all that my wife is. In this sleep she actually somewhat resembles the quiet, non-confrontational wife I once knew. Where did the ravenous beast disappear to?
It was a 12 hour labor, 10 spent in a bitter battle, 2 in restful sleep.
My wife tried to bring up going natural again last night.
I sweetly, kindly, understandingly told her that there was absolutely NO WAY I’d EVER do that again.
Devon is a freelance writer who writes with his wife on various topics. Devon’s articles are currently be sponsored by Solar Nails. Solar Nails are similar to acrylic but they are made with a higher grade of products. They have been known to last longer and to not yellow in tanning beds. Devon’s work is also currently being sponsored Atlanta Roofing. If you need a new roof in Atlanta, then Atlanta Roofing by EMB is the company to call.